According to the American Psychological Association, having friends is not a luxury. Your friendships are a fundamental biological and psychological necessity. You need them to thrive!

Studies show that high-quality friendships are a primary predictor of long-term health, happiness, and longevity. The Bible presents friendship as a vital, God-ordained necessity for human flourishing, spiritual growth, and emotional support.

The bottom line: Treat your friendships with the same dedication as your religion, career or health. In order to do so, you may have to confront a few uncomfortable truths about your intentions and behaviours.

Are you perhaps a self-saboteur who wrecks connections?

Self-sabotage is the opposite of growth. It comes in many guises – some extreme, some more subtle.

Here are a few of the most common symptoms and habits of self-destructive behaviour (as described in an article by Aletheia Luna) that negatively impacts your ability to maintain healthy connections:

• A self-defeating mindset 

Sub-conscious thoughts can lead to self-destructive behaviour like becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. This can, for example, take the form of harbouring the idea “nobody likes me” and then behaving in a way that “proves” this. 

• Failing to act

These are passive ways of being self-destructive, like not doing something to solve conflict with a friend, even though you know you are setting the connection up for failure.

• Feigned incompetence

This is a habit of portraying yourself as unintelligent or incapable of achieving something. It is often a coping mechanism to deal with pressure.

• Over-committal  

The opposite of forced incompetence is to commit to too many responsibilities, becoming the “super” friend, even though it burns you out.

• Self-alienation

The choice to deliberately or unconsciously isolate yourself from your peers happens through a variety of irritating, repelling, or antisocial behaviours that, on some level, you know are self-destructive.

• Repressing emotions 

Failing to acknowledge negative (and sometimes positive) emotions creates a host of mental, emotional, and physiological illnesses.

• Refusing to be helped

Pushing away advice and other forms of support reflects the deep inner belief that you are unworthy, and prevents growth and healing in you and your connections.

• Unnecessary self-sacrifice

Being a martyr can make you feel noble and altruistic while masking the actual act of self-sabotage, which is giving up on the hopes, dreams, and passions that make us truly happy and able to connect with others.

• Spending too much

Overspending limits your freedom and peace of mind. It is self-destructive and a hindrance to honest and authentic connections.

• Physical neglect

Sleep deprivation, lack of exercise, unhealthy eating habits and failing to establish personal boundaries are not only bad for you, but also for the people close to you.

• Mental neglect

Refusing, avoiding, or failing to confront your psychological health issues (e.g., stress, anxiety, depression and burnout) delays the healing process, resulting in the perpetuation of unbalanced or toxic relationships.

Recognise yourself? Then you are a human being!

It is normal to identify with some or many of the above symptoms. It does not mean that you are a sinner or a lost cause or a bad person.

It means you’re human. You were born with a unique temperament that plays a vital role in how you react to a broken world and handle the complexities of relationships.

Your environment and upbringing may have taught you such negative ideas and behaviours. You may have adopted some self-sabotaging behaviours and thoughts to protect yourself from mental and emotional pain.

It is not your fault and nobody blames you. But it is your responsibility to fix it in order to build the healthy friendships necessary for your well-being and that of your community. You will need to work through it, even if it feels unfair because you didn’t choose this.

Don’t chastise yourself, don’t feel guilty. Feel neutral, notice it, and find solutions, healing and alternative thought patterns and ways of interacting with others. Even though there is no magic cure-all, you can start the process by becoming self-aware.

Suggestions for becoming a steward of yourself (and from there of your friendships)

Please be patient: It will take months to establish new habits; you can’t pick all of the suggestions. “Feel” which ones resonate with you and trust your gut when choosing which one (or more) you are going to implement.

You can gradually add one or more as you progress, or switch one you dislike for something else. Also, stop when something really stirs up negative emotions and seriously consider professional counselling, therapy or coaching.

• Keep a journal every day.
• Pray (meditate), contemplate Scripture, practice mindfulness and do breathing exercises.
• Move your body by engaging in gentle exercise like walking, Pilates and dancing.
• Move your body by engaging in challenging forms of exercise like mountain climbing, hiking, weight training, boxing, long distance running or cycling.
• Spend time in nature to gain perspective and a sense of awe of your Creator.
• Express your pent-up emotions privately through art, music, screaming into a pillow, whacking a mattress or good old-fashioned crying.
• Learn the difference between self-care and self-love and start with proper self-care routines until you feel comfortable to implement self-love habits that you lack.
• Reflect on your core beliefs (the ones that start with “I am …”), question them, explore alternatives.

Anytime we can listen to [our] true self

and give the care it requires,

we do it not only for ourselves,

but for the many others whose lives we touch.

-Parker Palmer