We all know we should work on being more grateful and appreciative of all the good in our lives. For some temperament combinations this is more of a challenge than for others.

Being grateful is indeed an emotion. Our insecurities, jealousies and envies prohibit us from feeling this as often and as intense as we prefer. This makes us feel guilty and sometimes even angry, when we are reminded to just “be more grateful”.

If you can’t force the feeling and don’t experience it naturally, is there something wrong with you? Are you failing in your faith? Do you perhaps need a personality transplant?

No, there is nothing wrong with you. You are fine in your connection with God. You are wired precisely as you should be for your purpose in this time and place. But what you do perhaps need is a transplant of understanding what gratitude really is.

Here are 4 questions to reflect on in order to change your views on what it means to be thankful, and how to implement it.

1. Do you, once in a while, think about death and loss?

This may surprise you. People who excel at being grateful, do not sweep the negative aspects of life under a carpet painted with unicorns and sparkles. They look their own mortality and the darker side of what it means to be human in a broken world, squarely in the eye.

What do you take for granted? Now imagine losing or giving up that beloved person, relationship, possession or activity … Thinking about endings makes one appreciate what you have here and now more.

If you have lots of Yellow and Red in your temperament, you need to slow down and reflect on these matters a bit more. If you have lots of Green and Blue in your temperament, do not fall into the trap of overthinking and remind yourself to step into thankfulness, not fear.

1. Do you say “thank you” in unexpected and unusual circumstances?

To be thankful when things are going well and people are kind and nice to you, is easy. It’s when times are tough and people are mean and unkind that you need a proper skill set to be thankful and truly feel grateful.

This is when you need to recruit your brain and use your cognitive faculties. All your human feelings will protest and rebel that it is unnatural to thank a beggar for allowing you to hand him a few rands, because you realise how blessed you truly are. But calm those feelings down and just do it!

Maybe you will not say “hey, thanks” to a person who leaves you in the lurch in the moment it happens. But if you can look back later and write in your journal or say it in a prayer that you acknowledge what this painful life lesson taught you, you are a master in gratitude.

1. Are you grateful for real life people and experiences?

It is fantastic if you write things on your gratitude list such as running water, a car to take you to your job and the tree in your garden that catches the last rays of the sun. Being grateful for such things encourages us to treasure them and hopefully take better care of them.

But your thankfulness makes absolutely no difference to the water, vehicle or tree. If you were to add people and experiences to your list and convey your thanks to them in person, now that would make them shine!

Was your petrol tanked in an efficient and friendly manner? Thank the attendant for his service with a proper sentence, a smile and whilst looking him in the eye.

Did your child make you a cup of coffee that is hot and bitter, just as you like it? Put your appreciation into words and explain why you are grateful.

Such actions build stronger bonds between people which will ultimately benefit the whole of society. Also, your brain properly registers that something good has happened and this makes the next spontaneous feeling of gratitude more possible. 

1. Do you use specific words and descriptions when thankful?

Whether you say thank you to a person, are writing in your journal or expanding your gratitude list, don’t be vague. Do not use generic phrases such as “Thanks for everything”, “You’re the best” or “I appreciate all I have”.

Signal your gratitude in very specific words and add caring and thoughtful actions to your words. In the above example of the pump attendant, you could mention his efficiency or speed and not just say “thanks”. You could also add a tip or ask if there is a number you could phone or text to give positive feedback.

In the above example of someone bringing you coffee, you could mention that you feel uplifted after a tiring day through this act of care and not just through the caffeine. You could mention that you know they are also tired, to show that you are really paying attention.

Gratitude thrives when you use your brain when your heart lets you down. It multiplies when you say thanks in a brave, unusual, honest and specific manner.