Are you a bit tired of the word “boundaries” that gets bandied about as if it’s the magic wand that makes all problems and relationship issues disappear in a flash? Then I apologise, but we are going to have to talk about it in the month of love.

Read the following quote by Cheryl Richardson slowly and carefully:

“If you want to live an authentic, meaningful life,

you need to master the art of

disappointing and upsetting others, hurting feelings,

and living with the reality that some people will just not like you.

It may not be easy, but it’s essential

if you want your life to reflect your deepest desires, values and needs.”

How do these words make you feel? What do you think about what she proposes? Does it resonate with your view of the world and what it means to have connections with the people in it?

Perhaps if you have a deep need for all people to be happy with you and around you, this will not sit well with you. Perhaps you will want to delete it and switch to doing something enjoyable with a friend to take your mind off this negative quote.

Perhaps if you are highly focused on things happening your way and no other way, you will love this validation. Perhaps you will even print it, put it in a frame and keep it on your desk!

Perhaps if you are focused on keeping the peace and are naturally reserved about voicing your preferences, you find such an attitude extremely disconcerting. You will perhaps even become a bit anxious and withdraw yourself from people.

And perhaps if you are a staunch supporter of traditional values and etiquette, you judge this quote as completely incorrect. You will even have arguments at the ready to prove that always putting others first is the “right thing to do”.

Depending on your temperament, we will all have different opinions on where to draw the line in the sand regarding what is acceptable in relationships. This is wonderful, because it brings colour and vibrancy into the world!

It’s when we become rigid and stuck in a groove that our lines, or our boundaries, become like barbed wire. They hurt the people around us and also ourselves as they restrict our movement, our growth and our journeys to new destinations.

Know who you are. Define your identity in Christ. Work with the strengths of your temperament. Then you can live an authentic life filled with self-love and healthy connections with people.

And yes, then your desires, values and needs will align with the will of God and not necessarily with all human beings on the planet. This is indeed an uncomfortable thought …

It requires quiet reflection in solitude. It requires discussion with likeminded people on how this will look in practical, everyday situations.

Perhaps using other words than “boundaries” will help us with this … Think of life as a dance. One where all the dancers tango, cha-cha, foxtrot, break-dance, ballet and even do “volkspele” in their own way and according to their own rhythm.

You then plan and design your own dance. You work out how you are going to move, whilst still allowing others their space without crashing into each other. In the world of dance, this is known as choreography. Or in other words: Boundaries!

Alternatively you can focus on everything you say “yes” to. Normally we tend to focus on what we wish to say “no” to.

All these “no’s” make us feel either aggressively defensive or miserably afraid to do these things. But if you focus on all the good that will result from all your healthy, positive and proactive “yes’s”, you will become much more motivated to do so.

Therefore, think of boundaries not as what you want to keep out, but what you want to (enthusiastically) allow in. Think not of what you are preventing, but what you are making room for.

Do you know what your “yes” things are? Who those people and things are you want to invite in your life? Do you truly know how your Spirit-filled heart wishes to dance on the platform of light?

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.”

-Proverbs 4:23 (NIV)